Story number one:
My mother lives in Israel and every year I go see her, as she is in her late 80’s and cannot travel anymore. Last visit, I noticed that the aging process has left obvious footprints on her physical being.
She has lost her hearing, her vision is compromised and her walking pace has slowed down considerably and is somewhat insecure. She gets tired easily from walking and needs to rest at various intervals. Yet her spirits are surprisingly high. And she feels grateful for the small pleasures of life. But more about it later.
What I wanted to share, was my experience of going with her for a walk. I love walking; it is my favorite choice for exercise. But walking with my Mom has opened a completely new world for me. I had to slow down tremendously, and it sure wasn’t easy!
At first I resisted. I walked a few steps forward and then walked toward my mom, to make contact. Or, I’d walk fast ahead and then wait at the street corner for her to catch up. Sometimes, I’d walk backwards “for exercise” and then catch up with her.
She can’t hear, so we couldn’t have conversations as we were walking (very slowly). My only ‘noisy companion’ was my restless mind which was tormenting me with the expectation to keep the typical fast pace of life.
After a few more minutes of struggle (that seemed like hours) I heard the voice in my head of my Yoga teacher. She was saying, calmly like she does often in her class, “Breath in,..slow down…listen…breath out. ..”
As I stared paying attention to my breath and my pace, another image came to my mind. This time I thought of what I had heard from the Zen teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, when he spoke about walking mediation. He said, “walking is like a real miracle. ..You are there, body and mind together, you are fully alive, with every step you touch the wonder of life that are in you and around you…”
For a few minutes, my mind quieted down and as it did, I had no other place to be but there and then. What a relief!
As I began to walk slowly next to my mom, matching my pace to hers, watching my breath, I felt my body relax and my heart and mind slow down. Instead of being bombarded with endless circular thoughts, there was peace and quiet.
And then, the real miracle occurred. Were you ever able to hear birds chirping in the middle of a busy, noisy everyday city life? Well, I never had, not until that moment, when a little Robin sitting on a street tree branch just above our heads was singing as if inviting us to join in celebrating life.
I looked up and it was as if I saw this common, easily overlooked bird, for the first time in my life. It was beautiful. It’s yellowish, reddish neck was shimmering in the sun. And it’s song was full of delight.
My mom could not hear it, but when I pointed toward the bird, she looked up and a big smile lightened her face. I think she was also happy that we stopped, as she immediately took the opportunity to sit down and rest at the nearby bench.
I was happy to sit next to her and ponder the miracle of being fully alive. I felt grateful that my mom unintentionally taught me a valuable lesson, Getting old has its advantages, but only if one remembers to stop and smell the roses!
Story number two:
A friend of mine was telling me a story. She has been lucky in her life, her husband got a high profile job at the right time in one of the Hi-tech companies and they had earned a good living, leading to a comfortable life together.
Her family in the Midwest was not as fortunate. Her brother, a gardener, is in and out of work. He loves what he does, but there is not enough of it to support him steadily. He and his family struggle financially.
These two diverging life stories could create distance between the siblings and set them apart. But my friend found a way to maintain their relationships.
When she comes and visits him, she brings her rain boots, working cloths and gardening tools, and joins him at work; helping out as much as she can and following his guidance. Together, they turn the earth, weed, sow, plant, and water.
She leaves her busy life behind both literally and metaphorically and tries to be present right there with her brother. By sharing in his experience, she enters his world and helps deepen their bond.
Her brother loves her visits as much as she does. When he does not have a gardening job, he takes her with him to his volunteer work in his community, helping older folks with their garden or house maintenance tasks.
He told his sister that his commitment is that by the end of each day, as much as he can help it; the world will be a slightly better place than when the day started.
And I think indeed it is!
Many of us know people like that, and the more we pay attention, the more we discover people like that. Every “good enough” mother or father, are such people. In both stories above, some adaptations had to be made in order to connect.
Parents do this all of the time. They intuitively know that in order for their relationships to thrive, they need to slow down and “tune in” to become present. They put their “play clothes” on and get down and dirty. This, of course, is easier said than done. In our world today, life is full of distractions.
I still remember that when I went to the theater as a child, we were asked simply to ‘please not unwrap the candy in the middle of the show.” Now the list is much longer; turn the phone off, the pager off, do not send and receive text messages, do not email etc.
It takes an intentional effort to be fully present. Some experts say that we ought to learn the skill that will enable us to be present. We can learn through breathing techniques and other mindful exercises, to focus our attention and increase our awareness.
Jon Kabat- Zinn, Dan Siegel, Daniel Goleman and others show the great benefit for both parents and children when we can be more present and mindful with our children. We increase in emotional intelligence, have greater emotional and bodily regulation, emotional balance, the ability to focus attention, better working memory, immune function enhancement, just to name just few of the benefits.
But best of all, in my opinion, by being present and aware we enliven our experiences and become engaged from moment to moment in the unfolding of the mystery of life!
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
It reminds me of my grandpa he is old enough but thank G-d is can hear , He can walk straight and he is healthy. Wish him good health and more years to come. I’m proud of him not only because he is one of kagawad before he continue do public service but also of his being a loving father, and good grandpa to us . Thanks for your inspiring article its very touching we need to took care and love our grandpa and grandma.We need to understand them and have a long patience. Please continue inspires many people more power to your site! G-d bless
.-= Cathy´s last blog ..Mobile Phone Free Xbox =-.
What a wonderful website!!
So impotanat to stop and reflect on what we are doing – especially when we are so busy with the hustle and bustle of “parenting chores” , often not knowing if we are good enough parents and spouces and children .
Also having an opportunity to sit with others and to find out we are not alone in these bothering questions.
More on “Mindfull slowing down” -
# stop the running doing mode of “I’m busy – will be back later” to being in the now , paying attention. Notice we are breathing , being thankful for that and for the opportunity given to us to share precious moments with people we love and cherish. Those moments are what make us happy now and enable us to have the inner smile experience in the present.
# being aware of our automatic pilot reactions , feelings that come up, thoughts and behaviors and changing that – can be done only if we stop and make it a deliberate effort to halt and listen and look at ourselves and what governs us and our relationships.
Ayellet from Israel