Alicia was raised Christian but now considers herself nonreligious. Her parents are worried about her two daughters, Adrianna and Connie. They don’t see how she can raise good kids without taking them to church. Alicia admits that she learned morality as a child through religious activities and conversations, so she is at a bit of a loss when she tries to respond to their concerns.
She realizes that she has no role model for how to teach her kids ethics in a different way. Finally by accident she runs across a book about moral development in childhood. It talks about how moral reasoning and emotions develop across a variety of cultures and religions. This gives her a vocabulary for responding to her parents. Now the question she faces is which rules and values she most wants to nurture.
What is ethics?
Ethics is a systematic approach to questions of right and wrong. Throughout human history, people have wrestled with how best to approach ethical questions–how to balance the happiness of an individual against the wellbeing of other individuals or the collective. Each ethical philosophy or religion expresses some attempt to find this balance.
Although ethics is a field of rational, scholarly discourse, the beginnings of ethics are built into our very bodies. They are rooted in moral emotions such as empathy, shame, and guilt. Moral intuition and reasoning emerge similarly in children across cultures, and they are nurtured by adults. We build on these moral emotions and instincts by making agreements with each other, weigh costs and benefits of different courses of action, looking to ethical scholars, and drawing on the wisdom of our ancestors.
Five Quotes to contemplate, discuss and share.
Ethics: The indispensable interface between my desire to be happy and yours.
–14th Dalai Lama
Every age has its massive moral blind spots. We might not see them, but our children will.
–Bono
New occasions teach new duties, Time makes ancient good uncouth.
–James Russell Lowell
Bringing it home to your kids
- Even if you are nonreligious, don’t be afraid to use words like right and wrong. If you look at yourself, you will realize that you hold certain values sacred, and that these values guide how you try to live.
- Talk to your kid about why, not just what. Most moral values are rooted ultimately in non-harm or promoting well-being. Help your children understand what gets harmed when we behave badly. A person? An object? Another being? A relationship? Trust?
- Take a developmental perspective. Although empathy emerges very early, young children are oriented toward rewards and punishment. That doesn’t mean they are shallow people. Deeper, more abstract ethical reasoning comes later.
- Sometimes your child will respond to your praise and disappointment. Sometimes they will need concrete rewards or consequences. Sometimes when temptation is overwhelming, you will simply need to remove it. This goes for teens as well as toddlers. Tuning into your child (and your co-parent) can let you know what they need when.
- Who do you look up to? Tell stories about them. Quote them. Find simple biographies. Type quotes into the Wisdom Commons and print them out as posters. Let your child know that your family is part of a human community with an ethical heritage.
Photo by PermanentTraveller
