Community of Mindful Parents

Shoveling snow with Dad

Community of Mindful Parents — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:16:38 +0000

A mindful post by Fred Ingham. You can read more by Fred here.

We recently awoke to enough snow at our house for sledding and snowman making. When we had finished breakfast, my three-year old son got down from the table and began to play with some of his toys in our family room. “Ready to go out in the snow?” I asked? “No, I want to stay in,” he said. “We could make a snowman!” “That’s OK.” “I see some children sledding. Do you want to go sledding?” “No. I want to stay in.”

To read full article click here

Photo by oddharmonic

6th Annual Seattle Infant Conference

Community of Mindful Parents — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 18:48:08 +0000

Saturday, March 3, 2012 from 9:00 am – 4:00 pm will be the 6th annual Seattle infant conference. The conference will be featuring keynote speakers Janet Lansbury and Debra R. Sullivan, Ed. D along with our very own Clinical Director, Yaffa Maritz. The conference will take place at Seattle Children’s Administrative Building (6901 Sandpoint Way NE, Seattle, WA 98115).
To register and for more information please call (206)523-1391 or email hncr.sitc@gmail.comThe morning keynote spekaer, Janet Lansbury will talk about:

Ca r i n g f o r Ba bi e s w i t h Jo y & Pr i d e
Janet Lansbury is a mother of 3, RIE Associate
and 15-year member of the RIE Board of
Directors. In her work, she is a Parent/Infant
Guidance Class facilitator and author of the
internationally acclaimed “Janet Lansbury — Elevating Child
Care” (www.janetlansbury.com).
Ms. Lansbury will be sharing her insights on the importance of
caring for children in their first years. Whether from parents or
professional caregivers, the influence adults have in the lives of children
is monumental and lasting. Magda Gerber’s wisdom and guidance has
shaped this work for Ms. Lansbury and she will sharing her
experiences.

The afternoon keynote speaker, Debra R. Sullivan will talk about:
Cr e a t i n g t h e Vi l l a g e : Bu i l d i n g Re l a t i o n s h i p s t h a t Su p p o r t Ch i l d r e n
Dr. Debra Ren-Etta Sullivan is President and co-founder of
The Praxis Institute for Early Childhood Education (Praxis
ECE is a non-profit organization that provides professional
development and continuing education for those who work with
young children and their families)(. Her book, Learning to Lead: Effective
Leadership Skills for Teachers of Young Children, is a self-directed guide to
leadership development. Dr. Sullivan also serves as Director of the Bachelor of
Applied Science at Seattle Central Community College.
In Creating the Village, Dr. Sullivan will explore the idea that it takes a
village to raise a child, but what does it take to create a village? Every grown-up has
a valued, understood role in education, health, welfare, growth, and development of
children. Creating the village in early childhood care and education means turning
parents, teachers, and the community into a team that meets the needs of the

children and the families they serve.

Photo by Paparutzi

Give someone a hug!

Community of Mindful Parents — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 20:44:17 +0000

This article is reprinted from Christine Carter’sblog about raising happy kids, which can be found on the Greater Good Magazine website.

We don’t have to wait for Valentine’s Day to generous with our hugs! Dacher Keltner’s studies show that touch is the primary language of compassion, love, and gratitude–all positive emotions. Read all about the way that hugs make us feel better in Keltner’s terrific book, Born to Be Good, and in this essay.

Take Action: Hug someone you wouldn’t normally every day this week. (I don’t really need to say this but…please make sure it will be appreciated, first!). If you’ve no one to hug at the moment, watch this “Free Hugs” video.

* * * * *

Are you feelin’ it this Valentine’s Day? Do you love your main squeeze, but know that your relationship could be better? Are you looking for a happy way to celebrate Valentine’s Day and invest in your relationship?

Stoke your relationship fires with this short Ala Cart Raising Happiness Class. For the next 2 DAYS take HALF OFF the class cost by using the coupon code “HappyValentine”!

* * * * *
May you be happy,

Christine Carter, Ph.D.

Photo by Cobalt123

Long term parenting – discover your roadmap

Sarina Natkin — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 18:33:37 +0000

You can read more of my articles at my blog and at Grow Parenting

This is the second of a three-part series on long-term parenting. See the first post.

Here’s a great activity from Positive Discipline for helping you get clear on what your own bigger picture looks like. Sit down by yourself or with your co-parent and make a list of the current challenges you have with our kids. The day-to-day stuff that makes you want to scream. The idea behind this list is not to label these problems/behaviors we need to get rid of in our kids. The goal is just to get them out there.

Put that list aside and now make a list of values and characteristics you want your children to have as adults. What life skills do you believe your children need to have to be happy, contributing members of society? Common items on this list include self-respect, empathy, self-confidence, trust, risk taking, self-discipline, flexibility, kindness, motivation, and many others. Take your time and figure out which of these are most important to you and what others you would add. This is your parenting road map.
So, how we got from the first list to the second list? This is the crux of long-term parenting! All of those challenges can be used to help our children develop the characteristics and values that we want the to have as adults. The way we deal with those challenges is critical to helping our kiddos get those great values and skills.

Here’s an example. Many of us struggle with getting our kids to clean up their toys. If you have a family value of respect for objects and the environment, instead of getting in to a power struggle about picking up toys on any given night, you can slow down and think about what else might help you model and teach that value to your child. Could you do it together? Could you make it a game? Could you notice you are in a power struggle and let it go in that moment? Could you trust that if you did the clean-up that time it doesn’t mean they will go off to college and never know how to clean up? Could you have a family discussion about the problem of hassles over clean up, ask your child what ideas they have (works with young kiddos too!), and come up with a solution together that everyone can agree to stick with?

There’s no one option that is perfect for all families. While we may have similar values on our lists, we have different ones too based on our own unique life experience. The goal of long-term parenting is to focus on how we can deal with challenges in ways that invite our children to gain the life skills we want them to have. As each new parenting challenge arises, keep in mind these life skills and how you can continually move towards them through discipline.

Sarina Behar Natkin, LICSW, is a parent educator and consultant in the Seattle area. She is co-owner of Grow Parenting, where this piece was originally posted.

photo by nanny snowflake

Finding Kind

Community of Mindful Parents — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:41:10 +0000

As the mother of two young girls, my heart-felt hope for them is that they grow to be self-confident and kind women. As a parent and community volunteer I feel it is imperative to take a stand and educate our girls about what it means to be a friend, how to practice emotional intelligence, and to encourage them to have the courage of their convictions.

While searching for tools and resources to support my personal cause, I came across the Kind Campaign and the film Finding Kind. I are currently working with community partners to bring this film and a call to action to the Bellevue community.

- WHAT: We will host an open, free screening of Finding Kind for the entire Bellevue community
- WHEN: Wednesday, February 29, 2012, at 7p.m.
- WHERE: Sammamish High School Performing Arts Center
- WHO: Community Partners in Bellevue**

- - We now have tentative community partners to help offset the costs associated with bringing the film to town:

- - - Bellevue Council PTSA
    - Blue Dog Dance Studio
    - Campfire USA
    - Community of Mindful Parents
    - ParentMap
    - Tyee Middle School Safe & Civil Schools Committee (tentative)
    - Virtues Training
    - WHY: To raise awareness and bring change to the “girl world” of bullying

- - DISCUSSION: Following the screening we hope to hold round table discussions about the film. We would also like to provide kindness pledge cards and apology cards to each attendee.
  - ACTION: Our hope is that numerous extensions of the movement will develop as a result of the film. We welcome your energy and ideas toward that end and will try to support those endeavors, whatever they may be. Community of Mindful Parents will be offering a Reflective Parenting class for parents of teens to help encourage empathy and self-regulation.

**NOTE: We are still looking for more sponsors to assist with film costs, venue rental fee, and the Kind Campaign materials. We are very open to collaboration and inspiration for ways to use our common resources to respond to the call of action the film inspires.

CONTACT: Please contact me if you can become a sponsor at the $100-$150 level; host a round table discussion after the film screening; or host a future Kind Club. Please find more information about the film and the campaign by visiting www.kindcampaign.com. I appreciate your interest in this subject and consideration of participation.

Thank you,
Deb Grover, Bellevue Parent
Deb@bellysock.com or

206-890-9153

“Where We Going Daddy? My Life with Two Sons Unlike Any Others”. What would your life be like…”

Community of Mindful Parents — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 05:05:34 +0000

The Community of Mindful Parents Welcome Mindful Media Reviewer Fred Ingham

The Community of Mindful Parents is thrilled to announce a new feature to our online community – the Mindful Media Review. The author, Fred Ingham, (pictured) will be keeping us up to date with the latest and greatest books, local events, and films. Fred will share with us his thoughtful insight and parental perspective as we navigate all of the parenting advice the media directs our way each and every day. Fred is the father of a three year old and lives in Seattle.

Where We Going Daddy? Life with Two Sons Unlike Any Others

What would your life be like if your first child were born with a severe mental and physical disability? It’s difficult to imagine for those of us who haven’t been through it. Could you imagine what it would be like if your second child came to this earth nearly as handicapped as the first? It sounds impossible – what are the odds? But this is exactly the situation that Jean-Louis Fournier finds himself in, and in his book, Where We Going Daddy?: Life with Two Sons Unlike Any Others, he shares vivid sketches of his experience.

The book never names the specific medical conditions his sons are coping with. Their French disability cards simply say “marked musculoskeletal impairment”. We learn that they can’t hold their bodies upright without metal braces. The oldest, Mathieu, can hardly speak at all. The youngest, Thomas, can use a few basic words, but is incapable of conversation. Their growth is severely stunted. They cannot attend regular school. And they will never get better. There is nothing to be cured. No dramatic medical breakthrough can help them. There’s just the unfolding succession of days, hemmed in by the confines of their small malformed bodies and infantile minds.

Fournier gives us slices of his life with Mathieu and Thomas, served up in vignettes lasting anywhere from a few paragraphs to a few pages, arranged chronologically. Though not a tear-jerker, the scenes are at times heartbreakingly sad. They can also sometimes be quite funny. ”I make fun of my own children,” he writes, “It’s my privilege as their father.” The book is engaging and evocative. It’s filled with poignancy, humor, and beauty. I recommend it just for the pleasure of the reading.

As the father of a normally developing child, I wanted to read this book because I wondered if a parent’s love could be big enough and strong enough to encompass even these really difficult children. I love my son dearly, but how much of that is because it’s fun and easy most of the time? My son and I play and talk and read and sing together. I get to hear my son say “I love you”. It’s easy to feel good about parenthood when it’s like that. But what about when it’s hard and you know it’s never going to get better? Fournier writes of his sons, “you will never know how to conjugate the indicative mood of the first person of the present tense of the verb to love”.

Fournier’s sadness and disappointment never go away. He does not have any sort of heart-warming realization that his unusual children were a special blessing. There is no happy ending or cheery sentimentality. Instead, he copes with his situation using a combination of irony, detachment, fantasy, speculation and humor.

The opening chapter is addressed as a letter to his sons. In it he writes, “I haven’t been a very good father; often I just couldn’t take you, you were difficult to love. The two of you needed the patience of an angel, and I’m no angel”. However, after reading the book, I’ve come to see the way in which Fournier was, if not an angel, then a terrific father.

Most importantly, Fournier demonstrates an ability to observe his children and meet them right where they are, without being overwhelmed by bitterness, blame, resentment, or self-pity. He is fully “present” to himself and them. He is very aware of his feelings, but in his awareness he is not subject to them – he doesn’t lash out, or withdraw. His clarity and acceptance leave him free to relate to them lovingly and realistically. One phone conversation Fournier had with Thomas when he was at school went like this:

“How are you, Thomas?”

“Where we going, Daddy?”

“Have you done some nice pictures for Daddy and Mommy…?”

Silence. Just labored breathing.

“Are we going home?”

“Have you done some nice pictures?”

“Martine.”

“How’s Martine?”

“Fench fies fench fies fench fies.”

“Did you have French fries? Were they good?… Do you want some French fries?”

Silence…

“Can you give Daddy a kiss? Can you say good-bye to Daddy? Can you give me a kiss?”

Silence. I can hear the receiver dangling on its own, voices in the background. The teacher’s on the phone again, telling me Thomas has dropped the receiver, he’s gone.

I hang up.

We’d said all the important stuff.

I love the last line, which works at a couple different levels. The conversation was, to us as readers, nonsensical. We know from elsewhere in the book that the things Thomas said on the phone are stock phrases that he says when he speaks, and they are usually said without context or meaning. They’re familiar vocalizations that he makes when around people, but they don’t convey or seek information. So, at one level, Fournier’s closing line can be seen as an ironic, perhaps even bitter or mocking conclusion. It also works for humor – “that was the important stuff?!?” But in fact, from Fournier’s position, that WAS truly the important stuff. Thomas seemed to know his Daddy was on the phone. He used his voice to interact for a moment. He left. That’s who Thomas is on his best day. The conversation let Fournier knew all was well with his son, and that indeed was the important stuff. And Fournier was perfectly OK with that.

Our children, no matter where they are on the developmental curve, are often different from what we expect or want them to be. Whether it’s that they tend to be slow to get dressed in the morning, or they speak in a way we consider disrespectful, or they otherwise misbehave – no parent is free of disappointment and frustration. Though most of us don’t have to face difficulties on the scale of Fournier’s, we all have to work through situations where our kids aren’t who we wish they were. When these situations arise, I hope that I can be as present for my son and myself as Fournier is. Can I observe the behavior clearly, without labeling it as “bad/disrespectful/lazy”? Can I put it in context – is it developmentally typical? is it in character? what else is going on for my son at that moment? What’s going on with me? What is it about his behavior that is provoking me to become upset? What am I afraid of – being late? cleaning up a mess? that he will never learn if I don’t teach him this lesson right now?

If I can be completely present and clear, I hope that, like Fournier, I can then act in a way that meets my son where he is, aware of and motivated by my emotions, but not driven by them. Fournier never stopped wishing his sons were like other children. But he accepted that they weren’t, and loved them and related to them as fully as he could through every difficulty and disappointment.

And that’s the important stuff.

Where We Going Daddy?: Life with Two Sons Unlike Any Others, by Jean-Louis Fournier. Written in French and published in France. Winner of the French literary prize “Prix Femina” in 2008. The English translation, by Adriana Hunter, came out in May 2010. 107 pages.

Long term parenting inspire your children!

Sarina Natkin — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 07:35:05 +0000

You can read more of my articles at my blog and at Grow Parenting

Facing the challenges of daily life, we often get stuck in whatever our current parenting struggle is. It can be quite overwhelming to face some of the wacky behaviors our little cuties present us with. We think to ourselves that if we don’t handle this issue perfectly and right away, we are going to screw our kids up, we are failures as parents, their behavior is our fault, they are going to have a meltdown, and so am I!

When we adopt a wider lens, it gets us out of the immediate power struggle, frees us up not to be “perfect” parents, and allows us more time to slow down and really think before acting. When we slow down, we can usually find more options for how to deal with the current stressor. We also gain the ability to respond with greater empathy, which usually leads to quicker changes in behavior than when we respond from a place of fear and frustration.

No matter your particular parenting style, I think we can agree that our main goal as parents is to raise responsible, respectful, and happy children who have the skills needed to navigate their world as adults. Our main role as parents is to teach and guide our children through the ins and outs of daily life. Teach and Guide. Those are the key words here. What skills do great teachers have? What is it that great mentors do that help us learn and grow?

Take a few minutes and think about the very best teachers, coaches, mentors, and bosses you have had in your life. What did you love about them? How did they teach you? What did they say when you succeeded? What about when you failed? Did they give you all the answers or help you find them for yourself? Did they enforce harsh consequences, or did they ask you how you planned to fix the situation? Did they micromanage or give a few instructions and let you have a try? Did they tell you what you couldn’t do or ask you what barriers may be in your way? Did they yell and banish you when you had big emotions or did they teach you how to deal with the emotions?

Somewhere along the way our society accepted the belief that children learn differently than adults. We took Pavlov and Skinner’s approach and applied it to our kids. We decided rewards and punishments were the best way to teach our children. One of my favorite quotes says it best: “Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?” (Dr. Jane Nelson, Positive Discipline). Do you thrive on shame, blame, and punishment? Yes, it may change behavior in the moment, but does it inspire you to learn and grow? That is the heart of parenting- inspiring our children to learn and grow in a place where they never doubt our love and respect for them.

I hope by now the difference is clear. Keep that image in mind of the teacher who challenged you way beyond what you thought you were capable of, or that boss who said, “I believe in you” when you failed. That’s where we want to parent from. The best part is what it does for our children. They act out less because they trust more.

We can take a little pressure off ourselves too. We don’t have to respond perfectly every time. We have the opportunity to model for our children that learning is a life long process and each mistake we make along the way is just one more opportunity to grow.

Photo by digitalclickclick

Getting kids to listen – without nagging!

Community of Mindful Parents — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 04:36:37 +0000

This article is reprinted from Christine Carter’sblog about raising happy kids, which can be found on the Greater Good Magazine website.

Trying to get into some new habits in this New Year? Here is a “game changer in our arsenal of parenting tools,” as Lindsay calls it: how to ask your kids to do something in a way that increases the odds that they’ll actually LISTEN.

Special thanks to the Quality of Life Foundation, which made this series possible.

Can you stop a toddler from having a tantrum?

Community of Mindful Parents — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:47:32 +0000

The following post has been re-posted with permission from Christine Carter’s Raising Happiness Blog

By Gillian Growdon

The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind

- By Daniel Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD

The holiday whirlwind leaves behind great memories, but also exhaustion: at my house I’ve noticed an uptick in the frequency of tantrums. I’ll bet I’m not alone.

Enter The Whole Brain Child. In this book, two neurologists—and parents of young children themselves—present brain science in a clear and immediately practical way. Reading it has enabled me to look at those meltdowns differently. I feel less stressed because I have a few things I’m ready to try when the sugar-highs crash.

This book is written for families with children ages 3-12, and it includes an illustrated guide to the brain & cheat sheets for the fridge.

My main takeaways:

(1) We can’t reason with our children in the middle of a tantrum: their right- and left- brains are not fully integrated until their mid-twenties. The left-brain controls logic and likes lists, organization, and routine. The right-brain controls emotion and likes images, feelings, and the big picture. In a tantrum, kids’ right brains block access to logic.

The Whole-Brain Child gave me ways to ease this lack of right- and left- brain integration. For example, we can engage the left-brain to prevent a tantrum—rather than to calm an already-tantruming child. For example, instead of simply saying “no” (when a child is likely to freak out when they hear this), we can appeal to their logic by making a plan, getting them to think, or even distracting them: “I see you are upset that Lewis knocked your tower down, can we build a moat or a gate to protect your fortress better next time?”

(2) I learned two new tricks for getting past monosyllabic answers when I want to hear about my kids’ day. First, the best stories are shared when you are doing something else, like driving, walking, or working on a puzzle. Second, playing games like “tell me two things about today, one that is true and one that is not” works!

(3) Recalling and telling a story about an emotional, painful or scary event—often repeatedly—helps kids heal and recover from whatever scared them. It also helps them calm themselves down in future similar situations.

I Tried It

My 3-year-old daughter, Reese, is starting to have a tantrum because she wants to watch “Olivia,” but it’s time to get ready for school. My first reaction is what the authors would call a “retreat to my left-brain” (logic). I want to explain why we don’t watch TV on school days—either that or ignore her and let her deal with the natural consequence of going to school in her pajamas.

After reading only a few chapters of this book I could see that this wasn’t a “let’s see if I can get what I want tantrum” it was an “I am (sad, fearful, lonely) tantrum”. So I got on the floor and showed her with my words and body that I felt her emotions too. I have heard and tried this strategy before, but with the framework of the brain science behind it, I felt more willing to try it.

She moved more quickly past her anger and settled down enough to tell me that she was “sad for daddy.”

Because I had a plan for how to handle her tantrum, I was calm enough to think about her words. She was upset because John had been gone for a few days. It wasn’t until she saw him at breakfast that she realized how she had felt when he was gone. So we sat and talked about how she was sad, I was sad, and she gradually started to wind down.

Does it work?

During Reese’s tantrum, I sort of felt like I was giving her “bad behavior” more time and attention than is often necessary. Would I be able to do that for each of my three children? In this instance, however, empathizing worked.

Reading Whole-Brain Child pushed me to connect emotionally with Reese during a run-of-the-mill tantrum. I also found myself talking about emotions during our family dinner and at bed time. In the right doses, this attention has helped our kids be more aware of their emotions, as well as feel ownership of the process of settling themselves down.

Photo by: Timblair

De-Stress for the Holidays

erica rayner-horn M.A. — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 23:08:55 +0000

Despite all the good cheer surrounding the holiday season, the end of the year can be a stressful time. As delightful as the holidays are for some, they can be times of emotional and physical exhaustion for others, and it’s easy to become overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted. So if you are struggling to keep up with your to-do list and feeling panicked you’ll never get it all done on time- read on!

How can mindfulness help me deal with holiday stress?

So much of holiday stress is related to speeding up, rushing around and trying to get everything accomplished. Mindfulness reminds us to SLOW DOWN, PAUSE, and return to being here, right now, in the present moment.

How do we do this? It’s really very simple… and very effective!

So put down your shopping list, baking or laptop for

a few minutes of deep rejuvenating breathing and…

Take a Mindful Pause!

S = STOP

When you notice you are exhausted, tense, on edge or “triggered.”

T = TAKE a BREATH

Slowly inhale and exhale 5 slow, deep belly breaths.

Breathing in completely – breathing out completely.

Release all your tension on the out-breath- letting go, letting go, letting go….

O = OBSERVE

Take a moment to check in with yourself.

What am I feeling right now? Anxious-sad- hurt- angry?

What’s happening in my body? Is my jaw clenched- shoulders tight- back aching?

What am I thinking? Am I re-living the past, planning the future or really being present in this moment?

P = PROCEED or PARK

Either “proceed,” picking up where you were and continuing on again after a refreshing pause – or – recognize it would be better to take a break and decide to take time out and “park” for a while.

Take a Pause Break – Anytime – Anywhere!

Don’t wait until you are ready to blow your top, or go into a meltdown,

but take STOP breaks throughout your day.

You’ll get more accomplished- with more ease and more enjoyment!

After all isn’t that what the holidays are all about?

Mindfulness De-Stress Tips

Watch out for “triggers”-whatever pushes your buttons!

Difficult emotions- holidays are times when we can feel emotionally fragile and vulnerable, and feelings of sadness, loss, hurt and isolation can intensify. Old family misunderstandings and dynamics can return and memories can be triggered as we negotiate family gatherings. Just acknowledging your feelings honestly is the first step in releasing emotional pain and tension.

Physical exhaustion – holidays can be hectic with so many activities and we tend to go into over-drive, with little time to rest and relax. Remember to take care of your body- take a relaxing break – soak in a hot bath or have a nap! Get enough sleep and exercise-go for brisk walks!

Overwhelm- when you recognize you are reaching your limit- acknowledge how you are feeling and consider ways to let go of some of your plans. Simplify …consider just saying “No!”

Self –criticism - Bring a kind, non- judging attitude of acceptance to yourself and your limitations. Being caring and generous to yourself is the first step in being caring and generous to others- and that’s one of the most important gifts we can give each other at this time of year!

To see more from Erica Rayner-Horn M.A. you can email her erica@mindful-therapy.net and or visit her website: www.mindful-therapy.net.

Photo by: Justin Marty