Question: My 5 year old son tends to see the negative in life. If we go on a family outing he’ll complain it wasn’t fun because he was hot or the lines were long or his sisters were mean to him instead of focusing on the fun that we had. It seems no matter his experiences – big or small - he only remembers the ‘not so good stuff.’
Answer: We all know adults like this.
People who see the glass as half empty and seem to squash ideas with their doubts and hesitations. My guess is that you do not want this for your son.
On the other hand, as a mindful parent, you do want to encourage the feeling and expression of a full range of emotions in your child. Those negative comments are also true for him. He was hot. His sisters did pick on him. The negative feelings and memories are not bad or wrong. They are also not the full story.
In my family, we have a bedtime tradition of sharing the day’s Roses and Thorns (or sunshine and clouds, etc) The thorns may be easier for your son at first, but then you have a framework in which to encourage him to think of the roses as well. My 3 year old often has difficulty and will ask me to remind him of things that happened during the day or to share my roses and thorns first (then you get to practice emphasizing the positive!).
We have a different issue with my 6 year old. He often will not offer any thorns. With him, we need to help him feel ok thinking about and re experiencing unpleasant emotions. The goal of helping our children feel comfortable with the full range of emotions remains the same.
It is also important to look in the mirror and recognize what you are modeling. Do you express positive and negative emotions freely with your children? Are you upbeat and positive, yet willing to go to the hard places if needed? Some parents only express emotions when they are angry or disappointed. Others are super sunny all the time and unwilling to let their children see them sad.
Certainly, there are appropriate times to edit our emotional responses for children. But I would encourage an age-appropriate, balanced and honest approach.
Finally, if you find that your child persistently not only emphasizes the negative, but also seems to harbor negative feeling about himself and his abilities, you may want to talk to your pediatrician about depression. This disorder does occur in children.
Your child will not be diagnosed with depression if he just has the “blues” but persistent symptoms that interfere with his social or family interactions or school do warrant further investigation.
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