By T. BERRY BRAZELTON, M.D., and JOSHUA SPARROW, M.D. from The New York Times Syndicate’s FAMILIES TODAY column
Question: Our 11-month-old girl is healthy, smart and normally developed. She’s a little distant, however, in that she doesn’t seem to need anyone’s affection but ours. She accepts others if they’re not too pushy, and she feels OK with strangers, especially if they have shiny jewelry and a smile. But she has a problem with her grandparents, especially my father. The moment she sees him, she starts crying, even when we are around.
The two grandmothers are, indeed, too pushy and overwhelming with her. She rejects them at first and then accepts them, but only in our presence. My father is very gentle but he still seems to scare her.
We feel frustrated that our daughter socializes with strangers but not with her own grandparents.
— Via e-mail
Answer: Stranger anxiety is thought to begin at seven or eight months, but even some 4-month-olds respond differently to different people. Babies are working hard to figure out the people who care for them: what they look, sound, smell and feel like; how they move; why they do what they do; why facial expressions and body language change — and what all of this means.
Another factor is separation anxiety at the end of the first year, when babies are more aware of the differences between caregivers and others. When babies start walking, they scare themselves with how they can get away and make their parents disappear.
My advice to the grandparents: Don’t look her in the eye. Instead, look just past her. Children this age don’t like it when you look at them, yet they can’t stand it when you don’t. Once they see you won’t intrude, they’ll do anything to make a connection.
One time, I tried this game with a 9-month-old girl. She started swaying from side to side, as if to catch my gaze. I started to sway, too, imitating her rhythm. Babies that age love to imitate and to be imitated. When she stopped, I stopped. She giggled. She now was ready to play this game with me — as I looked her in the eye.
This approach may not work with temperamentally shy children, who need more time to study a less familiar person before they warm up. Try these get-acquainted moves: Will your child listen to the grandparents’ voices, even her grandfather’s, on the phone? How does she react? What does she do when she sees a photo of them? What about Skype? All these steps subtract some of the information and could make your daughter more comfortable.
At your place (not your parents’) ask your father to perform a familiar activity that doesn’t involve your daughter. He could help in the kitchen or set the table, for instance, or he could just sit and read the paper.
Once she is able to remain calm with this kind of presence, he could read one of her books aloud to himself without making eye contact or otherwise trying to connect with her. This indirection will pique her interest, but he should still go slowly.
In this way, your daughter gets to look him over at her own pace; she will make her bid when she is ready. She may be overwhelmed by his response unless he keeps it minimal: A wink or a smile might work, before returning to his book. This process may take a few visits, but the results will be worthwhile — for all of you.
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndicate, 500 Seventh Ave., 8th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10018. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn-families(at)nytimes.com. The (at) represents the symbol on your keyboard. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column, which may be posted on a Families Today Web site or collected in book form. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.
(Dr. Brazelton heads the Brazelton Touchpoints Project, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is director of Special Initiatives at the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.)
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BC-FAMILIES-TODAY-GRANDPARENTS-NYTSF
A BABY WHO’S SHY WITH HER GRANDPARENTS
By T. BERRY BRAZELTON, M.D., and JOSHUA SPARROW, M.D.
FOR RELEASE: Sunday, Oct. 4, and thereafter
ATTENTION EDITORS: This article is intended for clients of The New York Times Syndicate’s FAMILIES TODAY column; all other publications, including NEW YORK TIMES NEWS SERVICE clients, must purchase it by contacting a representative listed at the end of the text.
c.2009 T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.
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Distributed by The New York Times Syndicate
