By T. BERRY BRAZELTON, M.D., and JOSHUA SPARROW, M.D. from The New York Times Syndicate’s FAMILIES TODAY column
When your child is about a year old, she focuses on learning to walk. We call that a “touchpoint” — a major advance that is sometimes accompanied by a temporary retreat in other areas.
Your child’s sleep patterns, eating habits and emotional control may be disrupted. Suddenly she could refuse to sleep. Or she might wake in the middle of the night and call out, as if to say, “Help me! I want to practice my walking.”
She could lose interest in food. Instead of whimpering, she might scream for help, or her mood could disintegrate easily. Learning to walk exacts a price on the whole family. For parents, sleep is wrecked, which leads to anger.
The child, on the verge of walking, also exhibits both anger and demands on everyone around her.
If parents see these changes as temporary, and as evidence of the passion she puts into learning to walk, they’ll survive her outbursts without feeling desperate or hurt. Their role is to usher her through this touchpoint.
How Parents Can Help:
1. Recognize that walking is a form of self-assertion. “I want to go where I want to go, when I want to go there,” the 12-month-old seems to be saying. She’ll resist your efforts to make her go in another direction. She’s likelier to tag along with you if you prepare her for that transition. Give her a few minutes warning. Let her know you understand she doesn’t want to stop what she’s doing. Let her bring a favorite toy to the next activity. To help her switch gears, tell her what you’ll be doing next.
2. Comfort her when she loses control. Take her in your arms quietly. Do as little as you can, and see whether she can settle down on her own. Teach her ways to soothe herself — a lovey or a thumb could work. When she’s calm, let her know she can ask for hugs without making a fuss.
3. Let your child practice her new skill day and night. There’s no stopping a baby on the verge of walking. She’ll pull herself up on the couch, the coffee table, the bathtub, the crib rail, anything within reach, whether it can support her weight or not. So watch where she’s grabbing.
4. Practice with her by walking her around. Let her grasp your hands with both of hers, and then toddle along with her. It’s back-breaking but exciting for both of you.
5. Be aware that discipline and boundaries can comfort her during this time of change. When fussing gets out of control, let her know you can’t accept screaming and wailing — even if you have to help her calm herself. She’ll look up with grateful eyes, as if to say, “When I feel out of control, I know can count on you to stop me.”
6. Set limits on your availability — when to help, when to discipline and when to see what she can manage on her own, so she realizes that self-control is her achievement. Let her know how proud you are when she masters it, along with those first steps.
(This article is adapted from “Mastering Anger & Aggression,” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.)
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Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndicate, 500 Seventh Ave., 8th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10018. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn-families(at)nytimes.com. The (at) represents the symbol on your keyboard. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column, which may be posted on a Families Today Web site or collected in book form. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.
(Dr. Brazelton heads the Brazelton Touchpoints Project, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is director of Special Initiatives at the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.)
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