By T. BERRY BRAZELTON, M.D., and JOSHUA SPARROW, M.D. from The New York Times Syndicate’s FAMILIES TODAY column
Question: I have a horrible time calming down my two sweet and loving boys, ages 3 and 5, to go to sleep. They get wild and crazy after dinner and dessert. I have eliminated chocolate as a dessert so we usually have another flavor of ice cream or popsicles. I thought they were overtired so I moved up bedtime from 8:30 to 7:15. They have continued to act out, to the point that someone gets hurt and we all end up angry and exhausted. Today I am instituting a bribery program: They will earn books or small toys for calm, cooperative behavior at bedtime. I have effectively used this approach when potty-training my younger son and to keep both boys in bed through the night.
Do you have any suggestions for bedtime? Am I causing permanent harm by using bribery?
– Via e-mail
Answer: Rewards programs often work well at first but break down within a few weeks, either because the rewards are inconsistent or lose their appeal. The biggest drawback: Rewards can make children dependent on material things and prevent them from discovering their own motivations.
Sometimes a reward can help a child settle into a pattern that becomes its own reward, and then the toys and trinkets are forgotten. Be clear with yourself and with the boys that you expect peaceful, punctual bedtimes and that you know they are capable of this on their own, without the help of a prize.
Two small boys are sure as sugar to set each other off. Ice cream and popsicles only pump them up: Those treats are loaded with simple sugars that quickly break down, which causes some children to nearly explode with energy. Fruits or yogurt shouldn’t trigger that glucose rush.
Can anyone else at home help with bedtime? If so, you can separate the boys after supper, and each of you adults can stick with one of them through the usual routines until they are relaxed, sleepy and ready for bed.
From dinnertime on, the whole atmosphere should point in one direction — bed. Dinnertime should be as relaxed as possible — no TV or videos. Let voicemail answer the phone.
After supper, try a regular routine: a low-key game such as a puzzle — no running around, no video games, no TV. Lights dimmed. Music off or soft. Then bath time, pajamas and toothbrushing. The little one might like to tuck in a stuffed animal or say goodnight to a favorite toy on his way to bed.
Instead of “bribery,” you could promise three short stories every night — if the boys are in bed on time. The longer they dawdle, the less time for books. Warn them once, and then cut it to two stories at the first sign they haven’t heeded the warning.
Cuddle them and read softly, monotonously. This is your special time together — the main thing most children are looking for when they delay bedtime. If they know they can count on that time when they follow these simple routines, they’re likelier to stick with them. Being with you is the best reward.
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndicate, 500 Seventh Ave., 8th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10018. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn-families(at)nytimes.com. The (at) represents the symbol on your keyboard. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column, which may be posted on a Families Today Web site or collected in book form. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.
(Dr. Brazelton heads the Brazelton Touchpoints Project, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is director of Special Initiatives at the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.)
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