This post has been reprinted with permission from Dr. Terry at AskDrTerry. Dr. Michelle Terry, MD, is an attending physician and clinical associate professor in the Department of Pediatrics at the University of Washington School of Medicine. Join her here weekly for tips on parenting, nutrition, and ideas about how to create a stronger, healthier family.
The wall supporting the staircase from the first to the second floor in our home is filled with pictures of our family: baby photos, birthday parties, vacation snapshots, intermingled with awards and certificates of achievement – all memories of the happy times we have created and shared together.
Thank goodness there are no snapshots of the all the times my children cried in frustration over some disappointment or unrealized expectation. Yelling at me “That I don’t understand,” or worse “I don’t care,” their words sometimes trigger me to yell back despite my very best efforts to be supportive, encouraging, and positive in my “model” parenting interactions, expertly informed by all of my professional training.
Why do we yell at the people we care the most about?
My first thought is parents yell at their kids because they feel like their statements are not heard, and shouting is a consequence of that frustration.
Yelling may also represent a feeling expressed by parents that their kids must think they have no idea what is going on, and that parental disappointment needs validation by screaming.
However, according to “the master” in a short essay on anger by Paulo Coelho, “When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.”
How can I get my kids to listen to me?
Really parents, hollering about something that your children didn’t do won’t (permanently) change your children’s behavior. In my experience yelling at my kids just breeds resentment, and gives my children an opportunity to comment on my personal faults.
In order to bridge the distance of the hearts, the responsibility of parenting means that parents have to take responsibility for ourselves, before taking responsibility for our children.
Parents have to:
■ Learn to self-regulate our own emotions by recognizing our personal triggers for outbursts.
■Let our children express themselves, even if their “expression” lasts longer than we think is appropriate for the circumstances. Parents don’t control anyone else’s feelings, especially those of their children.
■Make sure their children feel heard and understood during their emotional outbursts. By being empathic, we are voicing our support of our children’s experiences.
In a recent post from the blog lifetime.moms, a 12 step method is featured to reduce yelling, as distilled from several experts. Whether you need scaffolding, or step by step approach to making effective changes to your parenting habits, most changes start with an affirmation to change.
As a parent, I affirm my relationships with my children are loving and harmonious.
The mindset gives us an opportunity to focus on ways to make more picture perfect parent/child encounters in everyday life.
Plus another affirmation to remember: If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
Photo by: Meme.tn
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