By T. BERRY BRAZELTON, M.D., and JOSHUA SPARROW, M.D. from The New York Times Syndicate’s FAMILIES TODAY column.
Between ages 3 and 6, children intensely identify with both of their parents. Yet half of all children spend significant time in a single-parent family, often after a divorce. How can single parents help children develop an identity?
Children use remarkable energy and ingenuity to fill the need for more than one relationship by capturing bits and pieces of others around the family. A lucky single parent can find a role model from the other sex — a compelling reason to remain close to your ex-spouse and your extended family. (Watch that you don’t land a “significant other” for the wrong reasons.)
A single parent must be mother and father, disciplinarian and comforter. A parent’s emotions can be hard to hide from these children, who are more vigilant than ever. The more responsible and caring the parent, the more deeply he or she will feel a child’s successes and failures.
Discipline is easier to impose when it is shared. Yet discipline for children in a single-parent family may be even more necessary and comforting. Parents who are still struggling with the loss of a marriage have their own feelings to handle. Children may test the limits to be sure that the single parent is not too fragile or too preoccupied to respond.
A parent may feel guilty. “I didn’t mean to be so hard on her. I just didn’t have anyone else on whom to take out my feelings. I can’t hold them in all the time, though I try.”
A child in a changed family structure feels alone, too. If she fears losing the resident parent, she is bound to cling. “Don’t leave me. Come upstairs with me. I can’t go to bed alone. It’s too scary.”
The reassuring news is that earlier studies on the difficulties for children of divorce have been supplemented by more hopeful research on steps for parents, and on children’s resiliency. Divorce need not leave permanent scars on children, according to Mavis Hetherington, who studied divorced families over several decades.
To Hetherington, the keys are love; discipline that teaches a child self-control; open communication about changes in the family’s life; consistency; and learning to function as a parenting team after a marriage has ended.
GUIDELINES FOR SINGLE PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN
– Your child will look to identify with the gender of the absent parent. Stay involved with family and friends who qualify.
– Don’t let your child’s hunger for the other gender push you into a relationship that’s inappropriate.
– Respect your child’s need for independence.
(This article is adapted from “Touchpoints: 3 to 6,” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.)
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndicate, 620 Eighth Ave., 5th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10018. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn-families(at)nytimes.com. The (at) represents the symbol on your keyboard. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column, which may be posted on a Families Today Web site or collected in book form. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
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