While in my last yoga class, I made a special effort to follow the instructor’s directions. I tried my best to perfect my poses, concentrating on “warrior one” and “warrior two”, moving from “hero pose” to “down facing dog”, braving the “crow pose” and gearing up for my final twist (The names of the poses sound so funny out of context).
I felt pretty good. What an achievement, I thought to myself in a moment of vanity. But then I heard my yoga instructor tell me, “Try to pay more attention to the transitions between the poses. Did you know that how you do anything, is how you do everything?”
I immediately knew in my gut that he was right. I did not pay attention to the transitions. I was so focused on the goal that I completely neglected to notice that there is a reality between the poses that called for my attention.
Does that experience sounds familiar?
I know it is true for me and not only in yoga class. My life is filled with many tasks, deadlines and goals. Often the process of what it takes to get from point A to point B seems less important than actually getting to our destination. But is it really?
Parents often share with me their struggle with getting their children out the door in the morning. The stress of ushering them out of bed, having them brush their teeth, put their clothes on, eat breakfast, put their shoes on and get in the car is palpable – and that’s just the beginning of the day!
As parents, we understand the importance of the children getting to where they need to be on time (preschool, daycare, swimming classes, etc.). Additionally, we need to get to where we need to be (work, meetings, appointments) on time. But do we understand that those moments of transition are filled with meaning too?
In their book, Everyday Blessing, written by Jon Kabat-Zinn and his wife Myla Kabat-Zinn, they suggest, “Practice simply means intentionally being fully present with whatever comes up so you are not always on automatic pilot or act mechanically” (p. 108).
Is it that simple?
I know of an orphanage in Hungary, that after giving a similar simple instruction to the caregivers, it turned the institute from one that was failing to thrive, to a model for all orphanages in the world. In this home for orphans, called The Pikler Institute, the caregivers were told to pay full attention to the babies as they go about doing their necessary daily routine. Those so called mundane activities of a baby’s daily living such as feeding, grooming, diapering and bathing became the focus of the interactions. Each child had the full attention of the nurse and was bathed in rich language. This meant that the caregiver was describing to the baby what she was doing, checking with the baby how he/she was feeling, singing, smiling and being playful as she followed these routines.
The program became a huge success. The babies thrived as they benefited from establishing a strong bond with a caregiver who focused on them with full attention, warmth, playfulness and patience. As their needs were met reliably by a loving presence, they became less needy and more resilient and competent.
I am reminded of research that professor Dacher Keltner, from the Berkeley University, was describing to us in his workshop recently in Seattle. It is called “The good Samaritan experiment.” The study was done with two groups of students from the Divinity School at Harvard. Both groups were told they needed to go across campus to a lecture. One group was told they were very late already and needed to hurry. The other group was told that they had enough time and if they left in a few minutes they would have no problem getting to the lecture on time.
On the way, both groups encountered a man posing as if he was hurt and in desperate need to for help. The ‘hurried group’ passed the needy man and did not stop. The students in the group told they have time all stopped to offer the man help.
So what does this teach us? What else do we miss when we are focusing on this roller-coaster called LIFE?
How can we infuse our daily interactions with our children with more quality, more enjoyment and more attention? This is especially difficult in the “in between times” – those times that cause the most stress and frustration.
Christine Carter, author of the Book Raising Happiness, encourages parents to become emotional coaches. One of the first tasks she says is to be sensitive. “Be present, pay attention, demonstrate empathy and convey warmth by acknowledging your kid’s need” (p. 86).
We all can imagine the benefit of these golden words. But is it possible to be “simply present” when we are so distracted by constant mail, texts, phone messages and the other activity that compete for out attention?
Parents often admit that the moment they step off their daily life roller-coaster so that they can bathe their children, play with them and feed them (all of the unglamorous tasks that could be rich with intimacy if we let them) is also the moment when their curiosity gravitates toward their smart-phone nearby.
Our biggest challenge these days is to learn how to disconnect in order to connect. (Click on this link for an interview with a group of children about their reaction to parents being on the phone)
http://www.ivillage.com/dateline-tonight-are-we-distracted-parents-yes/6-a-277295.
Our young children’s pace is different than ours. Their agenda is different and their needs are different. The more we tune into our kids, the more we will understand their special “language”, the better we will be able to respond. For that we must make time. Give your child and yourself the gift of time and attention. The rewards are sure to follow!
For more information on our classes, where we discuss these issues at length, as well as information about our online Raising Happiness class and monthly discussion groups, please go to our website www.communityofmindfulparents.com.
Photo by Andrew Kalat
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
This message of giving as much attention to the moments between our goals as the goals themselves was particularly relevant for me because it was a lesson I learned firsthand from my grandson. At the time he had just turned 4-years-old and had started pre-k. A somewhat anxious child, he did and still does not like transitions. Every morning for several weeks we were late for school because it would take up to 20 minutes for me to get his coat on and coax, bribe, or carry him to the car. One morning I came to my senses and decided to stop resisting his behavior and to wait for the lesson that would come from accepting his feelings and being present in the moment. After telling him that it was time to get ready for school, I sat calmly, cross-legged on the floor and waited. Within 5 long minutes–that’s 15 minutes less than what it usually took to get him out the door–he came out from his hiding place, put his coat on by himself and said, “I’m ready to go to school, Nana.” We walked to the car with no tears (his or mine!) and there were no more morning struggles about school after that day.
I am determined to start the new year “paying better attention” to so called “ordinary” life. I so appreciate the reminder that it is not only the task that matters, but the time in between. My 16 year old daughter and I have just returned from visiting her 90 year old mother in another state. After being showered with love and attention from her aunties, she is resisting the return to her hectic schedule, already missing the intensity of celebratory family time. She reminds me that “once there she’ll be ok”, but that it is the time in between that pains her, all of the fears that come up in anticipation of a new semester. This article comes just in time, rather than pressure her to make sure all i’s and t’s are crossed, I can respectfully hold her vulnerability in not knowing what comes next. Transitions are a metaphor for vulnerability, especially as it refers to children. A colleague said to me that the most vulnerable time in childhood is the transition between elementary and middle school. I so believe it, as we often put the focus on what “readiness” for school means and forget to be with our children emotionally during the in between time of hormonal and psychological upheaval. Thanks for such a wonderful post and metaphor. May the new year remind us to be wiser and more present during the “in between” times.
Selena Sermeno
I really appreciate your thoughts. Something that sounds so simple is really a challenge. Being present and paying full attention is important in all our relationships- partners, children, friends, colleagues…….
I have never read such truer words am thankful for the reminder. It is something we often need as parents, gentle reminders, as the speed of life leaves us in a whirlwind forgetting all kinds of things, including leaving our kids behind and forgetting their vulnerbility, and fears. I guess we sometimes have to be reminded of what’s important, getting them to soccer and netball with tears and screams or getting there 10 minutes late, but in good spirits. Having 3 kids and a husband that travels, I am fully aware of the roller coaster ride we call life, sometimes leaving us stressed and unfocused on the transition between one job to the next. We sometimes just concentrate on getting the job done, and forget the time in between which i realise is so important. I try to be mindful of this. Sometimes, as a mother of 3 I find I cannot always pay full attention to the individual task at hand. As much as I would like to, I find as a mother, a women, I have to multi-task. I often find myself, cooking while trying to solve my 10 year olds homework tasks, as well as trying to give my 5 year the attention and love he needs and deserves as he tells me about his day at school and what he has learnt, reminding myself constently all this has to be done within a time frame to get them all to bed on time. We as parents put alot of pressure on ourselves which in turn reflects on the kids. Reading this article and others on this website reminds me to try harder in all areas of parenthood and to be mindful of my kids needs. I truly believe our children are sponges when they are young and feed of their environment, their parents and upbringing. I am not a perfect mum by any standard but my kids, my husband and family are the most important thing to me. Thank you for the inspiring words!
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Really love this post. I appreciate the thought about taking the time to transition. I have changed many of my passwords some sort of reminder to slow down, breathe, take my time so that I have several reminders throughout the day to do just that.
Thank you!